Couples who have been happily married for some time often have best relationship advice to give to people who are just getting married or who are contemplating marriage. Since they’ve already experienced a lot of the highs and lows that marriage can bring, they’re better at providing ideas which can help other people do the same. Here are 10 of the most important takeaways they’ve offered to the world.

1. Be with the right person, for the right reasons.

When you marry the wrong person, or you get married “just to get married,” you set yourself and your long-term prospects for a good marriage up for failure. That doesn’t mean no one has managed to make it work before under those circumstances, but it’s a lot less likely to be successful. If you’re not marrying the right person, and it’s not for actual love (not infatuation), don’t do it and this is the first relationship advice.

2. To have a healthy relationship, both people in it need to be healthy, too.

People can have issues, and those issues often get projected onto their partners and their relationships. But that doesn’t have to be the case. When there are mental health concerns, for example, getting the proper help and working through the problems can help both people and the relationship be healthier and stronger for the long term.

3. Communication matters, but respect is more important.

The third relationship advice is that the marriage requires good communication. You need to be able to talk to each other and sort out any problems you have. But if you don’t respect one another, it can be very hard to have a good marriage for the long term.

4. Embrace the ways that you and your partner grow and change.

People don’t stay the same throughout their lives, and you shouldn’t expect you or your partner to be the same, either. By embracing the changes instead of fighting against them, you’ll have a better chance at a happier and healthier marriage.

5. Be realistic about what relationships and romance are.

Things won’t always be a fairy tale, and it’s important to be ready for that and understand it. There will be times that don’t feel as good, or you don’t feel “in love” with your partner, but those times will pass. Working through them is valuable for a good marriage and long-term happiness together.

6. Make sure you’re giving one another some space.

Give each other space to do the things you want to do in life, and make sure to take some alone time. Being together can be wonderful, but you don’t want to lose who you are in trying to please your partner. Both people in a marriage need to feel like they’re still independent people, too.

7. Be open to talking about anything — especially the things that hurt you.

It’s not always easy to talk about things that are bothering you, or things that are hurtful or difficult. But talking about those kinds of things is how you help make your marriage better. There shouldn’t be any topic that’s completely off limits, unless you and your partner have both agreed to that and it’s not causing a problem for either one of you. Being on the same page with communication matters.

8. Become good at forgiveness, because you’ll be using it a lot.

Forgiveness is a big part of a good, long-lasting marriage. You don’t have to overlook or accept anything and everything your partner does, of course, but you’ll want to be willing to forgive the things that aren’t going to be deal-breakers for your life together. Staying together means understanding that you’re both human and will make mistakes.

9. Pay attention to the little things, because they add up to become the big things.

Nineth best relationship advice is thet the little things in life matter, and when you pay attention to them you show that you’re learning about who your partner is and what’s important to them. By ignoring the little things that matter to your partner, you’re showing them that those things are insignificant or that you don’t want to know them on a deeper level — and that can spell disaster for your marriage.

10. Make sure you get good at fighting, so you can do it fairly.

Not fighting at all isn’t realistic for a long-term marriage, but it’s important to fight fairly. You don’t want to say hurtful things, or attack your partner. You can apologize later, but you can’t undo what you’ve said. So make sure you’re choosing your words carefully.

When it comes to having a healthy, happy marriage, there’s a lot of work involved. But that doesn’t mean it’s not worth it. For people who marry the right person for the right reasons, fight fairly, and learn to work through any trials they face, there can be a lot of love and joy that comes along with marriage and spending their life with someone they care about.